Jake
Over his heart, a reminder of the darkness he tamed
Photos by Murphy Woodhouse
The call of the void.
It’s something that Jake Ware once knew well.
“It means intrusive thoughts,” he says.
His struggles with his mental health started while he was in the Army, after he deployed to Afghanistan in 2006. He spent 17 years as a soldier, mostly as a helicopter mechanic, until he was medically discharged in 2020.
He says lots of people he knew had experiences similar to his. “But the Army way was to push it all down, to just keep going.”
So that’s what he did for almost a decade, until life was going so badly that his wife, Jenzi, gave him a choice. He could get help, or she and their two children would leave.
With therapy and a lot of work, Jake is OK now, and he is comfortable talking about what he went through: depression, anxiety and intrusive thoughts about suicide – the void that used to call.
That is the meaning of the phrase that now covers his heart, l'appel du vide, the call of the void in French.
It’s inked in big block letters. Toward the top, the letters are bright, filled in with imagery of a rising sun. The bottom is darker, filled with skulls. For Jake, it represents life’s biggest duality and the choice he made to not give in to darkness; he made plans to take his own life a few times, but he did not follow through.
He says he probably wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for his wife. He’s grateful for the choice she gave him: “It was a slow, uphill climb from there.”
Jake, who lives in Kuna, got the tattoo four years ago at Crimson Fox Tattoos in Boise, with tattooer Jade Rabbit. “Getting it did more for me emotionally than I expected it to,” he says.
Jake’s good friend, Kyle Caputo, started Crimson Fox and did the twin tattoos on Jake’s calves that also symbolize his struggles with his mental health. They’re of Jake’s favorite Pokémon characters, Haunter and Cubone. Haunter, a ghost who enjoys giving scares, represents Jake’s anxiety. Cubone, who is always crying in the dark, represents his depression.
He has more tattoos than he can count now. “I have nine I think,” he says, and then remembers the newest one on the back of his neck. “Wait, it’s 10.”
Growing up, he hid the things he was into because he worried people would think they were weird. His tattoos have been about accepting himself. “I wear all of it proudly now.” He has tattoos celebrating anime, video games and dubstep music.
The one over his heart is about acceptance, too. Intrusive thoughts still crop up sometimes, but they’re just a flicker now, with nothing driving them. He thinks of the tattoo as putting a cap on them.
“It’s a reminder. It’s right here on my chest,” he says. “But that story is closed now.”
If you are having thoughts of suicide or need mental health resources, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.